this journey covers so much.... I had a break through yesterday on self esteem issues that I have dealt with for most of my life. I had a disturbing dream and I processed it as if I was talking to my counselor Grace.
my counselor asked me once what did "my weight do for me" hmmm I said nothing but give me grief and pain. But I went away thinking of this question and realized no thats not the complete answer... it also keeps people away from me; and if they don't get too close to me then they can not hurt me. It keeps guys from wanting to get close to me and me from being tempted to let them. I never thought I could look nice and be at a comfortable weight without being cheap. after all who wants to get close to a fat woman....was my warped way of thinking. Growing up somehow I swallowed the idea that you are only worth something if you look good and if you please everyone. I could not stand confrontations so I would do all I could to avoid them. if I looked good then guys would want me...sexually and then I would have to give them what they wanted. sooooo if they didn't want me bingo problems solved!!!